Financial problems, personal problems, medical problems, and of course the lagniappe of turning 40 and all the confusion and dread that go with that.

And there are the chronic problems of procrastination, slacking, social difficulties and so forth that are always in the background even though I manage to support myself reasonably well despite them.

Something happened today, though, that has me in a state of anxiety. Bit of background: I am not the best housekeeper in the world (though more from procrastination and being overwhelmed by the task than simply not caring), a fact that my landlord has brought up a few times. Thus I live in constant fear that at some point he's going to need to get into my apartment for some repair or even just for an inspection and I'm going to have to pull an all-nighter trying to get things looking even partially decent.

A consequence of this is that I try to make repairs myself. I'm no genius do-it-yourselfer but I can think through enough problems and at least take care of minor things like changing a faucet washer.

Today, however, something went wrong that I have so far been unable to fix, and although I am confident that I can make the repair, in the meantime I'm suddenly without some significant comforts of modern living and have also created another problem in my efforts to effect a repair. And while I know this isn't the worst thing in the world, it's left me with that icy feeling of not being in an immediate crisis, but knowing that there is a potential for a large crisis not too far away.

It also has drummed home the fact that I need to get over my procrastination excuses and start taking care of some things because while it's easy to say "Ah, I'll do it tomorrow," sooner or later a day comes when some other, larger problem looms and that little task that I had put off for so long will suddenly be a large difficulty.

And it's in times like these when the little existential worries rear their heads as roaring lions. What is the point of all this crap? Will I ever be able to have my life going the way I want it? It feels shallow to pray for a miracle of household repair, but I'd rather have a miracle than deal with the possible difficult work - or deserved scorn - that might come from my inability to set things right.

Years ago, my aunt gave my mother a pile of books and cassettes, and among them was Malcolm Boyd's Are You Running With Me, Jesus? I especially hooked on to a prayer for a restful night's sleep (Insomnia's been a constant companion for most of my life) but don't remember much else of the book. However, several years ago I found a compilation of Boyd's prayers called Running with Jesus and of course I picked it up. I've got it next to me right now and I'm trying to find a prayer that fits my situation, or at least some of what I'm feeling. If nothing else, I'll read that prayer for a restful sleep again and try to believe that I can either fix the problem myself or I can handle whatever consequences come of it.